Isolation and Madness

Friends and family are very important, yes, but at the end of the day, I am alone.

The task of understanding myself at the deepest level is ultimately up to me. This is a journey that I must undertake on my own.

Then, when I finally reach those enlightening moments of revelation/discovery, I'll venture out yet again to find a community -- a network of soulmates.

(By "soulmate," I don't mean Mr. Right. Rather, soulmates will be people who have come to very similar conclusions while confronting their own struggles. People with whom I share a similar sub-history. People who "get" or "dig" me; people whom I "get" or "dig." People who are quirky in the same way that I am. People who don't fucking laugh at my face (and behind my back) just because they ain't got a fucking clue what the hell I'm saying. People around whom I won't have to explain or justify myself. People who understand beneath the surface, those who really see through me. Soulmates. Community.)

I am only now beginning to see what it really means to be alone, and not in a literal way. It's a kind of loneliness that cannot be eased by the simple presence of friends (who are these goddamned people anyway?). It's not a bodily kind of loneliness. It's a deeper, perhaps more philosophical(?), kind of loneliness -- it cuts so deep to the innermost core, it leads me to believe this must be the kind of pain and isolation that insane people suffer.

(Incidentally, insanity/madness is what you experience when your perspective falls outside the realm of validated knowledge. Crazy people are not crazy just because some fucking doctor or community of "normal" people labelled them so; they're "crazy" because they possess an excruciatingly difficult experience/knowledge that the rest are privileged enough to be spared of. Such experience/knowledge is particularly difficult because it has no expression in the "normal" world; i.e., it is hard to articulate it in "mainstream" or "normal" language. As such it becomes particularly hard to communicate to others and share your burden and thus find support; hence, isolation. Isolation is the weapon that breaks the integrity -- and sanity -- of a person.)

I hate having to constantly explain myself. I hate people who dismiss or belittle me because they think I'm talking shitty nonsense. They think I'm arrogant and I think they're shallow idiots. I hate it when that happens.

You -- yes, YOU! -- do you understand what I'm saying? Cuz if you do, then maybe we're somewhat the same... maybe I'm not so alone in these eerie thoughts, after all... maybe you can welcome me to the dopey world of shitheads.

Or maybe not.