[ II. ] Survival Adornments / br.OK.en

II.
Tonight I mourn the death of my older friendships. The ones that I cultivated when I was younger (childhood to teens). I just came to a realization that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I can never bring back the magic between them and me. My relationship with my old friends, it's like a marriage on the verge of bitter breakdown: A couple headed towards divorce.

I see it now: I've been in denial all these years. Especially during my first three or so years here, I tried my best to stay in touch, stay connected to the people who had furnished my life with meaning. Tried to maintain a sense of "home," a sense of continuity in my life (never mind that there will always be gaping holes in my memory: God's beautiful way of keeping me sane enough). I tried my hardest to reach out, but all the efforts were in vain. It was excruciating, having to swallow loneliness, isolation, alienation, culture shock, instability... all of them, all at once. For the first time in my life I had to learn to be on my own, with the barest support system to hold on to. Without the familiar comforts of friends, I didn't make sense to me. Result: crisis, breakdown. Disintegration of the many things I had known and believed in up to that point.

And mind you, I was already a broken spirit* to begin with.


But at least this much I now know: When you're lonely, that's when you most need to be alone. It forces you to confront yourself, to wrestle your inner demons as you take the painful journey towards self-awareness. Either that, or you'll have to face Void: an empty life, no sense of purpose.

Inner Demon VERSUS Void. Void is the easier route to take because all you'll have to do is give up and do nothing... but it's also the destructive choice. It's the choice that could lead you to drug addiction, unresolved anger, or crime.

I choose Demon over Void. Ugliness over Emptiness. Tough and scary choice.

Because I braved the harder, more proactive path, I am now scarred and bruised. But every scar and bruise is an adornment: testaments to the fact that I survived. I still have a long way to go, mind you. I am still trekking the harrowing path towards self-awareness and wisdom. Still battling the ugly demon within me. Still facing the harsh realities of life.

But I am not to be destroyed. Not anymore. I refuse to be a victim.

Inner Demon, here I come!